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KR Wordgazer

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PostSubject: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 12:04 am

I realized this evening that it was 30 years ago today that my husband asked me to marry him. I'm still glad I said yes!

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LurkingCat

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 4:50 am

Happy Anniversary!


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Lunakat

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:34 am

Happy Anniversary Krwordgazer! You are the truest love story I know!

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 8:29 am

Happy Anniversary Krwordgazer! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 8:51 am

Congratulations Wordgazer, may your love be strong and steadfast for another 30 yours!

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 9:16 am

Happy anniversary to you and your lifemate!
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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 9:17 am

Happy Anniversary! Krwordgazer. It is nice to see a couple still very much in love after 30 years.

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 9:26 am

That sounds beautful and nearly a bit like from the fairytales. If you happen to have a good recipe for a long-lasting love and good partnership (besides having good starting conditions I guess?) feel free to share!
And don't foget to tell your partner that you're happy you said "yes". (But I guess that is part of living so long with each other happily.)
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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 9:59 am

Happy anniversary! cheers

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 12:41 pm

Happy anniversary, Wordgazer! Very Happy I wish you many more happy and loving years together.

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KR Wordgazer

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 4:45 pm

@jaRf wrote:
That sounds beautful and nearly a bit like from the fairytales. If you happen to have a good recipe for a long-lasting love and good partnership (besides having good starting conditions I guess?) feel free to share!
And don't foget to tell your partner that you're happy you said "yes". (But I guess that is part of living so long with each other happily.)

Hey, thanks everyone-- you're all so sweet!  

jARF, here's the text of a blog post I wrote on my 25th wedding anniversary. I think this is what constitutes my recipe.

This weekend my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.  I don't necessarily think that makes us experts on marriage, but I did have a few thoughts, for whatever they're worth.

I think the best way to start a marriage is with friendship.  The best way to keep a marriage strong is with friendship.

Respect is part of love, and both partners need it.  Put-downs and personal attacks have always been off-limits in our marriage.

Passion in a long-term marriage is more like banked coals than like a bonfire.  It glows just as hot deep down, but isn't as showy on the surface.  The way we've kept the fires banked so they never go out, is to never stop flirting.

We tried gender roles.  Then we climbed out of the boxes and tried just being ourselves and supporting one another in being who we are.  That worked much better.

Believing the best of one another helps us be our best to one another.

Trying to see through one another's eyes really helps.  So does really listening.

In case of conflict, a little humility goes a long way.

When in doubt, try 1 Corinthians 13.

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Zadzi

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Fri Jan 20, 2017 8:50 pm

Congrats, you two! And it's his birthday today too, right? Happy Birthday, Mr. Wordgazer!

I looked up 1 Corinthians 13 and read it. I must say, I'm not a religious sort at all though i respect *all* religions... but the first part especially for me is really beautiful:

"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing."

The rest is also awesome, and this first part especially resonated with me. It's such a tall order! But it's also so true and right.
Thank you for this, KR Wordgazer!

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KR Wordgazer

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:20 am

I'm glad it spoke to you, Zadzi. It would be a good text no matter where it appeared. Smile

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jaRf

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Tue Jan 24, 2017 5:53 am

Thanks for sharing your experience and advice, Wordgazer.

Sounds all good and reasonable. But I guess it needs two who will try it with empathy and respect these rules of social contact. Wink
Keeping the coals glowing is one thing, though I sometimes am afraid it might extinguish (or I am too careful, too worried to show?) so I don't dare to let something shine out too much, and then your counterpart will want you to show a stronger glow. On the other hand even showing affection and all that didn't help in the past... but they were "special" anyway, so probably that doesn't count.

(I guess after being burnt for the 1st and 2nd time I started to be afraid of building a stronger social bond; the fear of loss crept in.)
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KR Wordgazer

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Tue Jan 24, 2017 6:16 pm

@jaRf wrote:
Thanks for sharing your experience and advice, Wordgazer.

Sounds all good and reasonable. But I guess it needs two who will try it with empathy and respect these rules of social contact. Wink
Keeping the coals glowing is one thing, though I sometimes am afraid it might extinguish (or I am too careful, too worried to show?) so I don't dare to let something shine out too much, and then your counterpart will want you to show a stronger glow. On the other hand even showing affection and all that didn't help in the past... but they were "special" anyway, so probably that doesn't count.

(I guess after being burnt for the 1st and 2nd time I started to be afraid of building a stronger social bond; the fear of loss crept in.)

Sounds rough, jARF. Yeah, I do think that any good partnership has to have both people doing their best, not one coasting on the other's efforts or actively undermining the relationship-- both of which do happen, and then it's astonishing how often the person who was really trying gets falsely blamed for the failure of the relationship! But I think that's because the person who was really trying is the only one who steps up and takes responsibility....

As for the fear of loss, I suppose it's old-fashioned to quote Tennyson: Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. But Bette Midler also sang the same idea in her song The Rose.

"It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give;
And the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live."

Love and fear are really opposites, just as much as love and hate. To love to the full, you have to let go of fear. If your partner has been showing him- or herself as someone to be trusted, then I would say the risk is justified.

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Lunakat

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Tue Jan 24, 2017 6:29 pm

I agree with Krwordgazer. It's not fair to punish your current partner for the actions of someone else.

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KR Wordgazer

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PostSubject: Re: an anniversary...   Tue Jan 24, 2017 8:09 pm

@Lunakat wrote:
I agree with Krwordgazer. It's not fair to punish your current partner for the actions of someone else.

Doesn't punishment imply intention, though? Whereas a person responding out of fear doesn't mean to punish anyone. I would say rather that he or she is unintentionally short-changing her partner.

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