Things you wouldn't dare say out loud

F--k you and your fat phobia, Mom. How dare you make me feel even uglier.

You are all a bunch of lazy, cowardly fools. We are in this situation because of your inability to lead and your selfishness and greed. I've never seen such deep running nepotism either. If you morons had been through even a fraction of the trials life has thrown my way, you'd be broken and curled in the fetal position.

Work me like a dog, burden me with having to do your work for you, do whatever you wish - I have and shall continue to rise above it. When you told me to not do my best so that someone higher up could see their own idiotic plans fail you lost my respect and it will never return.

Plans are in the works for a new career and life elsewhere... and I await the day I dance out the door to freedom while you continue to sink deeper into the pools of shit that are the reality of the world you cannot see with eyes so blinded by hubris.

Good golly, Ms. Molly, did that ever feel good!  

No I will not go and run the dishwasher myself, I'm a waitress, I don't know how to do it first off and second I'm not getting paid 8 plus dollars an hour like you are to do the dishes. I don't care if your title is baker and not dishwasher, our boss has said that that's part of your job too. Stop acting like your to good to do your job or go work somewhere else.

Seriously, why do I even try these days? It's not like the work is appreciated or anything...

How did I end up everybody's social worker?

Dear older gentleman with the turban and the most amazing beard ever I just saw in the grocery store - firstly, your beard was simply awesome and you could give the ZZ Top guys a run for their money.

Secondly, you are seriously NOT helping me in my decision to get rid of this face-fur that I've been growing the past 4 months. I almost shaved it off last night and then decided to wait and I was hell bent on going clean shaven this evening until I saw that impressive beard of yours.

Then again, I have to consider whether having a beard or no beard will help me with the ladies. Because one thing is for certain here in Oregon - it is the most beard friendly state I've ever lived in!

Decisions, decisions...

I'm not looking forward to having a baby. If I could go back in time, I would.

Would trade every one of my uterine fibroids for your baby any day. Hugs.

I think those thoughts are okay, Luna. *hugs* A baby means change. That's not all happy-go-lucky. I understand well when there are mixed feelings - for different, very personal reasons. I know that those feelings can change ... and sometimes they change with the mood of the day.
I wish for you and your husband that you will bond with "Little Luna" in the months to come. That those bonds will grow like the child does. All good wishes and love for you.

*hugs tight* It must be incredible hard when such a heartfelt wish is denied, Trollbabe ... impossible due to health conditions. When you cannot get the child you are ready for and long for. I wish you and your dear hubby peace, love and health and happiness togther.

Sorry, had to laugh when you said a baby means change. PAILS and PAILS of changes!

I'm long past having those all-about-me moments when other women are blessed. I'm currently trying to keep up with the demand for friend and family baby quilts that used to be my late mother's job.

Nobody's ever ready for a baby. We weren't ready for a pregnant foster-child. You have family and friends who will be there for you, whether you know it or not.

Why sorry? You ARE right, Trollbabe!

It's true Trollbabe-- you are. Thanks guys for not being judgemental. I think I'm just stressed about the upcoming responsibilities that I didn't prepare for. I'm worried about money and living space and my boyfriend being sick all the time and adding to his stress. We planned a wedding, put in a down payment and have people flying in from out of town-- and I'm feeling as if I should t have done that-- that we should just have kept the money. My mom is offering us a huge chunk of help and I feel like such a moochher taking it from her. I'm worried my career (lackluster at best) is over for good. I'm worried about endless nights of changing diapers and not being an adequate parent. And I'm worried that I'm not having the emotional reaction everyone says you are supposed to have to what's happening. I know I'm supposed to feel an outpouring of love and excitement-- but mostly what I feel is anxious or bland. Still-- I took care of a dog I didn't want for ten years (he ended up living his remaining few years at my mother's through extenuating circumstances-- I tried to take him back but he was too old to be comfortable in another location by then. Poor guy.).... So I guess I can do this no matter how I end up feeling about it. I like kids. I have experience with cleaning up after people. I can make this work-- eek.

*lots of hugs for Luna* You are allowed to feel all that. Mothers are human beings too, not some perfect angels who spread sunshine and happiness all around them.

For Lunacat.
It is normal for you to feel that way with so much on your mind! And worrying about whether you'll be a good mother and whether it will be too heavy is normal, too. I was not on a pink cloud of happiness during my last pregnancy, either, and the child turned out fine.

On topic: I am sick of you being ill, hanging around the house all day and having a bad mood, and I am sick of having to do everything by myself. Just get better already!

Lunakat, I get the impression that every change in life comes with highs and lows, good and bad feelings. Not unusual.

You said you were worried your career was over for good. Why do you feel that way?

Sifra, I hope you are feeling better soon!

Hey sis, newsflash: You don't HAVE to like my policy of very low contact with you, you just have to accept it. If you want to communicate with me, it'll be on my terms and mine alone, given how badly I need to keep my barriers up and boundaries set with you. I'll be civil whenever you're over because it's really hard to not talk to you when you're here, but that's largely for the sake of your kids. They don't need to see Mommy and Aunt Tenny fighting.

That's what happens when the only time I know you're not lying is when you're taken by surprise. Deal with it.

You knew he was an alcoholic when you took him in. I had hopes for him, too. I am so sorry.

My friendship is not an endless supply, there is only so much I can put up with. You are going to die alone, you have no real friends and even your son will one day turn his back to you. Ever wondered why  no romance ever worked out, why you turn off all your colleagues, why you can work with no superior, why you have broken ties with your family? No, apparently not

Just for a second dear cousin...just for a second I saw the person I used to know in your eyes. No matter how many years it has been...that connection is still there. It is like some part of me knows that you remember those carefree days of our childhood where everyone called us twins instead of cousins...especially since we are just a handful of days apart in age. But then the reality sank in...the rest of your family members are heartless, evil bastards...and the fact that you didn't stand up and let them do what they've done speaks volumes for the lot of you.

Your family was always privileged...and you have no idea what we've been through. But it made us stronger - stronger than any of you will ever be. Do what you will...let your greed turn your hearts black and rip what's left of our family apart - my siblings and I are a force to be reckoned with!

It is sad that you do not know how wonderful caring and loving relatives can be. I have some nearby in this new state I'm living in...and knowing and getting to spend time with them is a blessing beyond words.

A blessing you and your ilk, sadly, may never know.

What happened to all of you? Remember those days when we were all so young...so passionate in our pursuit of Taoism, meditation and martial arts. Even in our early 20s we believed strongly to be humble and avoid arrogance...to try to avoid doing what we saw so many other people doing.

My friend...do you not realize how arrogant you are being by calling yourself a Master? You were barely 35 when your first starting calling yourself that...I don't think you even had any grey hair yet. I know you've studied long and hard for many years...but you are still very young. Do you not remember those conversations about avoiding this kind of behavior? Can't you just be a martial arts teacher and not have some fancy title?

I keep thinking of that tough but kindly old Asian man I met a few years ago...who at the age of 87 tossed me around like I was a child. I don't think I've met anyone who had that level of development...his skill was unparalleled. And you know what? My friend who was at the seminar with me tried to call him master at the end and this man refused to accept the title. He humbly told us "I am not a Master, I just practice martial arts" and thanked us for being there. And this man had been practicing for 60+ years...nearly twice as long as you have been alive and he avoids having any title. When he walked away and waved goodbye I told my friend "now that was a Master!"...he had the years and the skill, but most importantly - he embodied the true spirit of a sage. A man of knowledge and wisdom, a man of grace and humility.

Or what about the young master we knew years ago who was also around 35? He was a kind man and very skilled and athletic...but I remember thinking the same thing...he's not a master in my eyes. And remember the story of how he was easily defeated by a older American years later? You didn't believe my story until a mutual friend who witnessed it confirmed it. I told you...never...never let anyone's uniform, belt or title intimidate you or be the way in which you judge their skill. Look to how and what they teach and especially the quality of their character. A true master refuses the title...but a false one wears it with hubris.

I thought of all of this as I looked up one of my old teachers today...one I mainly studied meditation with. He's come far, it seems. So many rituals...so many rules...so much complex and unnecessary crap! I see this so much and it makes me sick sometimes...we are supposed to be learning how to be free and let go...but you all seem to be missing the point.

I've been at this for over 35 years now...and the more I practice, the less I know, the more simple I make it. The more it becomes part of my day to day life...I'm not sitting in a static position for hours nor am I wearing a robe or hiding in a temple. I'm exploring the limits of my mind as I walk and live in this world...not in a world of fantasy.

So many imitate, but never create. I wish you well, my old teacher on your path...but it is one that is not for me, nor will it ever be.

I forgot how close my regular doctor is to your home since I normally go to the clinic down the street on my side of town. Seeing that bridge and nature area...remembering how many times we walked down that path hand in hand and me always commenting that my doctor was "right over there". I could see it all from the parking lot...I rarely come to this part of town anymore because it reminds me too much of you and the life we were building together.

And just a few blocks away from where I was standing was your cozy little apartment...I wish I still didn't think of you so much after nearly a year apart. I don't think I could ever be with you again...but still...some small part of me was missing you a lot right then.

However, as I always remind myself...my only regret is that we couldn't make it work. I will never regret meeting you...no matter how much you tried to hurt me after we parted ways. I do hope you are happy and that your life is in a better place now.

Wanted SO MUCH to say something today...

Some background first: I started a part-time cashiering job this year, a couple of weeks after my new employer installed a state-of-the-art system for collecting and dispensing our till drawer inserts. Made by Glory Global Solutions, it's about the size of an old office copier, and consists of two machines attached side-by-side. One is for bills and the other is for coins. Each bears the trademark "GLORY."

Some longtime employees were complaining about it, because they had not gotten used to it, such as the fact that it rejects badly damaged bills. I decided I would better relate to it if I pretended it were human.

So I named the two parts Mr. and Mrs. Glory. Thinking of the song "Glory" from the movie "Selma", I pictured them as an elderly African-American couple sitting in parlor chairs.

Along with my job comes the requisite office jerk, a woman who has many good qualities, all of which are overshadowed by an acid tongue that spares neither subordinate nor customer.

Today she reacted in surprise when she walked in behind me and heard me wishing "Good morning" to my friends, the Glories. When she asked me why I talked to the machine, I simply said it helped me maintain a good attitude.

I knew it would be useless to say to her, it was better to talk to machines as if they were people, than to talk to people as if they were machines!

Trollbabe wrote:

I decided I would better relate to it if I pretended it were human.

So I named the two parts Mr. and Mrs. Glory. Thinking of the song "Glory" from the movie "Selma", I pictured them as an elderly African-American couple sitting in parlor chairs.

Neat way to deal with wayward machines, Trollbabe!

Thank you, Embala. The thing is, they work just fine. You can't expect a machine to accept a bill that has one end missing, or a piece of tape down the middle. I feel I am working with an awful lot of pessimists and disgruntled workers. Half the supervisors don't even smile.

*chuckles* Actually we have hired some of the many nephwesand nieces of the Glory family, too. They are well trained to reject ragged, sick and malicious bills. ^^