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Vaeri

Vaeri

Pisces Goat
Posts : 971
Join date : 2015-03-31
Age : 29

Marriage Musings Empty
20160908
PostMarriage Musings

so just kinda felt like getting this off my chest....my and my boyfriend have been together 8 years, this last august. it's an accomplishment, but the huge thing is this entire time, it's been long distance. i live in florida, him in north carolina.

things have changed since we first started dating...we both changed, some for the better, some for the worse...but we stuck through it, all the argument and troubles and issues. whether it's stubborness, true love, or fear...or some combination of all three would depend on the perspective of whom you ask.

when we first started dating, the first few years...he told me he had never really thought of getting married. considering his family background, i get it. he deeply loves his grandparents, who are like his actual parents to him, and they are not married, though they've been together decades. his mother and father were likewise never married...so obviously marriage is not a big thing in his family. this made me...well anxious to say the least because i've always wanted to be married. but i decided to wait, and see what the future held...because sure who hasn't heard of the stories of guys who want don't want to get married, but then change their mind? i still had hope..and if it came down to it where he might say he never wanted to get married, well...i'd have to probably steel myself to walk away.

but the years went by...and eventually we just kinda started hypothetically talking about what it'd be like to live together, spend our lives together...have kids, so forth. it just became more and more natural, until it got to the point we kinda knew we'd eventually be living together. when i came to visit him, i cannot TELL you how many people asked when we were going to get married or when we were going to have kids! cue me blushing and laughing, and him mentally facepalming. but goodnaturely answers of "We don't know"

then a few years later down the road....he said something that surprised and pleased me to no end. he said that we pretty much were already married, just without the ring and paperwork...which is true. we act very much like husband and wife. me more like the wife...scolding and cautioning him, warning him...yelling at him to take care of himself and stop pushing himself so hard. him the husband in putting up with my copious mental issues. we sometimes talk in future tense, and whenever he does that, he always introduces me as his lovely wife.

lately though in the past year...the butterflies abound in my stomach. a few months ago, he casually said he had been looking at engagement rings. cue the shock and nervousness and excitedness. and wondering, when might he propose?

and again tonight...with perhaps the vaguest hints of nervousness, he asked me a hypothetical question. if he asked me to get married right then and there the next time we saw each other, and just did the paperwork, would i do it? i admit i took a moment to think about it, and try to settle the butterflies in the stomach. i asked in all honesty, would we be able to do the ceremony at some point in the future? because yes, ever since i was a child, i've been dreaming of my wedding day...i'm old fashioned in a few senses. he said he didn't see any reason why not, so i felt perfectly comfortable telling him i wouldn't have a problem doing that.

then the thing that kinda bothers me....i asked him if he could at least make the proposal a bit romantic...at least i could get that right? he kind of sighed at that. and...well i think i told him the least he could do is ask me properly. i mean i've been waiting for years to be able to get to the point of proposal and marriage...i like to think i'm pretty liberal and modernly minded, except for a few things.

yes i want a proposal, but i don't need a diamond ring. i don't care what the engagement ring looks like, i'm more concerned with the wedding ring i'm going to wear for the rest of my life. and i would like it if he did something special, a bit memorable for the proposal...because we've been taking our time to make sure we would actually last in a marriage, and not end up divorced. so this will most likely be the only time i'll be proposed to.

yes i want a ceremony with the white dress and reception. but i don't want a religious ceremony or one very long...he's expressed quite often and fairly plainly how boring he finds weddings, which kind of hurts me a bit..i keep trying to tell him we can keep it fairly short, but he says he's still going to be bored. how can i be more excited when he seems...not so?

and yes i want to follow the no contact before the wedding...i know the reasons behind it are old fashioned and not applicable, but i am a bit superstitous...

so ups and downs. per usual for our relationship. tried googling this, but damnit...most things are "proposal=marriage" but nothing covers a scenario where the boyfriend wants to get married, but doesn't seem to want to do the proposal part!
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Marriage Musings :: Comments

Zadzi
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Thu Sep 08, 2016 10:57 pm by Zadzi
Awwwww, Vaeri! HUGS! He's going to propose, it's just the way it sounds (to me anyway) is that the talk of it is what makes him feel all nervous and it also sounds to me like he does have a romantic side a bit, but maybe is uncomfortable with it! I can totally understand what you mean about the romantic part (I've been married twice before, and neither proposal was exactly romantic, so I still dream of it lol)...and I totally feel you, what your wants are, etc....
The way it reads to me is that he maybe feels a bit self conscious talking about the details. Don't be fooled by his words lol. It looks to me like his saying he will be bored, etc., is him putting on a game face  Very Happy ... while it's true that some people aren't romantic or don't think of themselves as romantic, they can and will surprise you. I've seen stone-faced men cry like babies at their own weddings, unexpectedly...I've seen a man who was the most seemingly aloof, logical Spock-like dude totally fumble as he presented his girlfriend with an engagement ring and get tears in his eyes. I've seen this man give her exactly the type of ring she wanted, when she had been talking about her favorite gemstone and design for months...when she never thought he was listening...when marriage didn't even seem like a big deal to him....when it came right down to it, it WAS a big deal to him too!  

Proposals, weddings, funerals, births, etc... they bring out feelings in people they didn't know they had. But it's also as that moment is happening that their true nature comes out, sometimes even to their own surprise.

You know this guy loves you, and at the end of the day he wants you to be happy. And he realizes how important this is especially *to you*... and in doing so, he will realize that in wanting to make you happy, he will see how important it is to him as well!
The devil's in the details... don't let preliminary talks dictate what will happen, because the reality is probably going to be very, very different. I don't think he would want to disappoint you in any way.


*HUGS*! Hug

PS - that question of his was SO not hypothetical Smile He's gearing up to get his courage together and do it. He's just fishing around to make sure he does it right. Why else do you think he asks all these things? Someone telling you all he has, asking you, etc... it shows he cares enough to know what you think, feel... and while he may have his own opinions about it, it seems like he also knows it is important enough to you to matter, and that will likely be the direction it goes.
Vaeri
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:12 pm by Vaeri
it's probably kind of hypothetical but at the same time not...and i got to admit right now i'm smiling and excited, but at the same time i'm soo scared. i'm so ready but i feel so unready! if i think on it too hard, i think i might make myself cry...

but it definitely makes me feel oodles better that he might just be...throwing me off the scent. to be fair i did the same thing to him for our anniversary last month! i commissioned two adoptables custom made for him from his latest favorite artist...and the entire month i kept making suggestions on getting him other stuff as an anniversary gift, and make comments like "i want to get you SOMETHING for our anniversary". when he recieved the adopts annoynmously, he had no idea it was from me! it was an utterly pleasure to hear his awe and surprise and gratitude when i admitted it was my anniversary gift to him...i had REALLY had him fooled!

anyways, i think you're right...he is a romantic! he's said it himself...it's easier for him to express when we're together. so i think i need to ignore my worrywart nature, and trust him that he will make it memorable for us both.

i'm still on the fence about his insistance he's bored at weddings...i keep thinking "but this is different! this is OUR wedding! we're participating in it, rather than sitting and watching" but he still says he'll probably be bored....but i hope it IS just a matter of his poker face, and that his smile will be sincere during our wedding ceremony.

...at least if he proposes, my dad will have to let us sleep in the same room...XD is it a bad thing i kinda hope he'll ask my dad for permission? i know it's so old fashioned, but i'm worried it might cause just a tiny bit of bad blood between my father and him...and i don't think any of my sister's ex husbands asked for his blessing. but then i guess we can always ask for his blessing after the proposal. or i can anyway! it's really probably more important to me than my boyfriend.

Zadzi
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:20 pm by Zadzi
He's thinking of other weddings with the boredom thing, and I feel your guy tries maybe a bit hard to have a poker face (but he doesn't, does he lol).


OMG girl, you are a worry wart, yes lol! He's totally going to take your lead probably because 1) He doesn't have a background or experience with the wedding thing 2) You have a better idea what you want, and 3) He wants to make you happy, ultimately.

He'll probably ask for your dad's approval in the end, whether before or after.  My sense is he is very self conscious about this entire process and wants to 'get it right', but also doesn't want to look completely clueless, so he's partially internally conflicted about how to go about it, doesn't want to look stupid, and wants to skip to the '...And now you may kiss the bride' part Razz
Vaeri
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:26 pm by Vaeri
oh sometimes he can have a pretty good poker face...and sometimes i'm just clueless and don't pick on on the cues ^^0

and i knoooow! i am, i admit it! i'm trying to hard to not plan out everything, because i don't want to be disappointed something doesn't happen! and now i'm constantly scrutinizing his actions and words....XD he's being very affectionate tonight, so i guess he's relieved and happy i said i would be willing to do the basic marriage stuff first?

and i could...see how he's probably self concious. and yeah he doesn't really like looking clueless...and probably does very much just wanna get to that part! that's why i plan on including him heavily when we get to the part where we discuss how the ceremony will go...like what's going to be said, etc.
Zadzi
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:18 am by Zadzi
Yeah, he's relieved and happy probably! I think maybe he also just wants to feel like he's part of it too? Like I don't know if it makes sense, but he wants to not feel like he's just fulfilling a fantasy for you, but is like THE one you want to have it with... sounds strange, I know...maybe he wants to be part of the fantasy but also like wants to bring his own part of it in, but also like has noooo clue how since he has no idea! It's a huge thing, for someone to not really be into marriage at all, and then they meet someone who literally *changes their mind* OMG, that's HUGE! Not that he didn't think about it at all. I think he sort of did but had no context... which is case in point, btw. He had no plans of marrying until he met YOU and has been with you. And so it seems perfectly reasonable to think that as he's with you, he's also going to warm up to the idea of a wedding in general (I mean a celebratory wedding, not just in the city hall sense lol)...it's like you're kind go paving the way and showing him a totally new world! It's just that it can't be talked about only, as you see...it's all context, like it is becoming a reality. It's actually really awesome, Vaeri. You're taking this person out of his shell and showing him another side of himself he didn't know he had. It's awesome. You guys are walking this path together, so you're in the same boat. But you're still two different people in it, getting to know each other in a different, deeper way. It's so sweet, I wanna hug you both!
Vaeri
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:33 am by Vaeri
well i really do want him to be involved in stuff...i tried discussing possible wedding details, but he told me point blank he didn't like thinking about that so far in advance...i used to think it was he didn't want to think about getting married to me, but now...i think it just makes him nervous. and he wants to enjoy it when it happens, not talk it to death.

i think he did think about marriage with his previous ex's before me...but it didn't sound like it would be happy. his one ex...she already has a daughter from another man, and expected my boyfriend to...whisk her away like a fairy tale and take care of her. the other one....her life was screwed up and she just wanted a baby to fix it, but ended up just disappearing for a while. i think after those...i think the idea of marriage became kind of scary, which is probably for a while he thought he wouldn't get married...

but you know i'm glad that has changed. i'm glad i'm making things better for him...things these two other women very nearly completely ruined. i may have a lot of issues with myself, but i can honestly say i want to make him happy. i don't want him to dread things anymore because of someone's selfish views. and i think i've managed that...i've tried not to pressure him. i've tried to lay things out reasonably...like an insistance we should probably live together for a year before we try to get married, just to know FOR CERTAIN we can make things work. though i guess maybe he's feeling a little impatient, to consider proposing before we've lived together? or...maybe it's a vote of confidence, in me and us.

it's funny you mention the walking a path together, because that's something he's said for many years of our relationship. we may not always walk the same pathway, but he still wants to walk parallel to me, the same direction....guess that speaks volumes huh?
Zadzi
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:40 am by Zadzi
Beyond volumes. I feel he sees you as It Girl. The One. And probably doesn't want to screw it up, but also wants to stay 'realistic' as well. That can come off as conflicted since he's not all that experienced or whatever. But it still shines though Smile
Trollbabe
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Fri Sep 09, 2016 5:11 pm by Trollbabe
I'd really have to see his side of this one. Eight years and no results? Why has he been putting this off for so long?

My husband proposed to me weeks after we met, but we didn't get married for another four years. We both had to finish college first, and though he was older, he was a year and a half behind me. (The time gap gave me enough time to buy a home, although it was just a mobile home on a rented lot.) But we had solid plans.
Trollbabe
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Fri Sep 09, 2016 5:12 pm by Trollbabe
I'd really have to see his side of this one. Eight years and no results? Why has he been putting this off for so long?

My husband proposed to me weeks after we met, but we didn't get married for another four years. We both had to finish college first, and though he was older, he was a year and a half behind me. (The time gap gave me enough time to buy a home, although it was just a mobile home on a rented lot.) But we had solid plans.
Vaeri
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Fri Sep 09, 2016 5:30 pm by Vaeri
actually that was putting off on BOTH of our parts, not just his. most of our years together, we were both working only part time jobs, and i was the only one working consistently each week. it wasn't until this last year i even got a full time job, and he's still trying to find something more steady than his two part time jobs.

it's a simple case of there is no way we could afford to live together on our own in either state. and since we had agreed it'd be the more intelligent route to live together a year before we decided to get married, there's no way we could accomplish this. we'd be kicked out of the apartment, or we'd starve, or i'd lose my car. or some combination.

we have plans, just unfortunately they haven't worked out for us...maybe he's deciding he just wants to be with me, or at least put a ring on my finger.

if it makes any difference, the new plan i have is when i pay off my car completely, i'm going to save up money to move, quit my job, and move to north carolina. by then he should have enough money and we can easily take care of an apartment until i can find a job.
Lunakat
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Sun Sep 11, 2016 2:15 pm by Lunakat
Don't stress the time factor. I've known my boyfriend ten years now and we are getting married next year. We were friends for a couple years, dated casually, dated seriously, dated other people, broke up, got back together, moved in together, dated very seriously, got engaged.

It happens how it happens. My parents k ew eachother three months before tying the knot. To each their own.

You have to consider where each person is in life, developmentally, money issues, long distance issues, all of that. It sounds as if you are working it out and overcoming a lot of obstacles to make it work. Best wishes for you both!
Lunakat
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Sun Sep 11, 2016 2:16 pm by Lunakat
Actually-- we broke up BEFORE dating other people-- not after! Clarification.
Vaeri
Re: Marriage Musings
Post on Sun Sep 11, 2016 10:02 pm by Vaeri
thank you lunakat^^ i'm not bothered at all by the fact we've been together 8 years and are not engaged yet...in fact i look at it as the smartest thing we can do. so many younger people rush into marriage with the "love can conquer all" mentality...sometime's it works, but more often it really doesn't, and you end up with the thought "who the hell did i marry?", a divorce and often kids stuck in the middle.

the way i see it, this just gives us more time to figure out how to communicate effectively in our relationship, and how to work through problems together. very important skills in keeping a marriage together!

also congratulations on your wedding day next year! so exciting!!eeeee.^^
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