So, yeah. *waves* Hello, again.

So, some of y'all might remember me. Life has... ugh, I don't even KNOW if I wanna get into what all Life has been.

So, the short version is that, for the present time, I'm dying but I don't know how fast or slow that process is.

Long version... I've been dealing with generalized crappy feeling and exhaustion for... well, it feels like it's always been this way, but I'm fairly certain that it had to start at some point. I just don't know when that was. But no one pays attention to when a woman is exhausted, particularly if she's the caregiver for her husband, who has anxiety, PTSD, depression, and ultimately his own cancerous event. Hell, no one pays attention to a woman's exhaustion ANYWAY, but especially when there are other reasons that can be readily pointed to and used as an excuse to not pay attention to what is, primarily, the only symptom of a life-threatening condition.

The exhaustion, though, that can go on for years or decades, I think, before anything more serious erupts, and I'm *young*, relatively speaking, for what was going on unnoticed in my body. Most of those who get this... well, let's just say that nature ends up taking its course long before the condition gets a chance to.

Last October, though, I found a lump on my neck. Was kinda hoping that it was just a cyst of some sort. Something that could be pierced, drained, and would just go away so I could get back to struggling through each day with my untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD, and unknown other conditions making life exceptionally difficult on all sides.

Medical care in the US sucks. On the one hand, if you've got the money, or the insurance, it can be the best in the world. Without those, though, well, the message rings loud and clear. I would best serve my nation by dying as quickly and as quietly as possible so as to not interrupt the dinners of the powerful. The tests to find out what was going on with me were expensive. But it got a whole lot worse, unfortunately.

I have Cancer. Whether it's Lymphoma or Leukemia is something a specialist is going to have to determine, but it's the Big C. It's treatable. It's even, potentially, curable. But treatment costs money. Money we don't have. And we *also* don't have insurance of any sort.

Damn Texas Republicans to Hell and the Outer Reaches for fighting so damn hard for the right to condemn *me* to death simply because I'm not an economic asset to some billionaire company.

The ironies of life is that the absolute BEST Cancer Center in the *world* is sitting in Houston, but for me to get treatment there (without some form of charity in place *before* the first appointment) would require close to $80k to be paid up front. We're waiting on hearing whether or not I'll be able to *get* that charity, but still, it's a hellishly unjust situation.

So in the meantime, I'm dying and I don't know the rate of decay. And I need my people.

I'm so sorry for you, Grizz.

I don't know what to say and how to help. What I can off is a welcome back, a hug and an open ear. *sending you all good wishes and strenght*

I'm so sorry to hear that.  Hugs.

(And I really think the health care system in the USA is designed to weed out those pesky Baby Boomers and defective children.)

Sorry to hear that MrsG. I can empathise with you somewhat as I recently found a lump too, but as I live in the UK, my healthcare is free. My lump is on the bone of one of my ribs, so many blood tests, scans of various descriptions and general poking and prodding by people with concerned expressions on their faces. Added to my several other complex chronic health conditions, I too feel like it is overwhelming at times. However, I feel that positivity is key here in my case. I feel like if I let it get to me, it will take over, and I'm far too stubborn for that!

*lots of hugs for MrsG* I wish I could help somehow.

Very sorry to hear that Mrs Grizz. In TX you should be able to apply for medical assistance, please ask your doctor. There are programs to help in such situations! Don't give up, best of luck!

I'm so sorry this is happening, Mrs. Grizzly. The US truly is an unjust place. Please let us know if there's something we can do for you, somehow, from our thoughts, our hearts, and our keyboards.

We did apply to several different programs, the problem is that because of the *way* family has been helping us pay the bills and keep our house since my husband lost his job and we haven't been able to get Disability for him (even though he DEFINITELY should qualify for it), all that counts as *income* even though it's NOT, so we don't even qualify for assistance in a lot of cases.

And I can't seem to get Auntsister to understand that the "Marketplace" is SOLELY for the *purchase* of Insurance, which we can't do because we don't have any money with which to MAKE such a purchase. The intended effect of the ACA was that we would have been covered by the Medicare Expansion, which Texas and a number of other states went WELL out of their way to make damn sure they could refuse on behalf of all the residents and voters who would NEED coverage.

We got the last of the paperwork turned in last week. Hopefully something comes up so I can get the treatment I need. If not, I know what I have to do, but doing it in my condition is going to be a pain in the hind end. I have to move to a state that didn't refuse the Expansion.

If I can get treatment, I'm going to survive this. It's going to get a LOT worse before it starts to get better, but I'll still be standing at the end. Right now I'm just *angry* at the state of healthcare in the US and the fact that my own STATE doesn't seem to want *me* to live. Me, personally. I'm just about angry enough to see if I can charge Texas and the Republican Party in general with attempted MURDER for this. Because they KNEW that people would DIE without healthcare and they simply Do Not Care. That is Gross Negligence at the *least*, and probably a variety of Mal/Misfeasance charges as well.

But of this I am certain, if I can get the treatment I need, I'll survive this.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I am a 15 year survivor of Lymphoma. I recieved so much advice of dubious quality during my treatment, I swore that in the future I would try to avoid pushing my own on, but do want to say a couple of things. I hope that you have access to an advocate that can help you navigate this stuff, because it can be overwhelming.

If you haven't already, check with your oncologist or hospital to see if they have a patient advocate or counselor. I was hesitant to see the counselor at the hospital, but I wish I had talked to her sooner because she was able to tell me about a lot of services I wasn't aware of.

Contact the lymphoma/leukemia society. They can help you find support from other survivors, learn about the resources available, and you can apply for reimbursement for some medications and transportation.

It's been a long time for me, and I found that everyone's cancer experience is pretty unique, but if you do have questions, feel free to contact me.

So sorry to hear that you are ill Mrs. Grizzly.

Like you I have pre-existing health issues. That only good news is that I live in California. Aca was expanded and heavily pushed in the state. Since I now have no job or health insurance this is what I will be using until I get another job.

I do agree with you on one thing, the billionaires club in Washington is trying to remove those of us that have health issues into an early grave. They say otherwise, but it is a lie.

In the meantime look up groups in your area that can advocate for you and your needed treatment.

In the meantime, anyone have any idea about a GOFUNDME to help out?

After a quick google

http://www.texascancer.info/access/

This might be useful for you

I've heard conflicting stories about the worthwhileness of GoFundMe itself, but there are a couple other options out there with regard to crowdfunding things. We don't have one set up at the moment, but we probably will have to before this is all over.

Closest I've got to an "advocate" is Auntsister and Grandma, to be honest, and they aren't ideal. Grandma's not in the best of condition herself and Auntsister is already carrying too heavy a load and she's NOT shy about letting us know how heavy that load is and how she wants me to get better *soon* so I can go back to carrying my husband's load entirely by myself. *headdesk*

I will try to look up other resources at some point. Hell, I was *already* overwhelmed *before* this happened, so it hasn't been easy to get any sort of traction, particularly since I'm already pre-programmed to curl up and let other people do what they want because my choices or preferences mean nothing. It's a long-term issue that I'm trying to work on.

Miss Grizz! I was so happy to see you were back-- then I read what you had to say. That's terrible! I'm so sorry. I know that if you were in California, you could get Medi-cal. The application period is passed, but they wave it for a "life event"-- and I believe this would qualify. Fuck Texas.

I found this: http://www.cancercare.org/financial_assistance

Will keep looking...

Miss Grizz-- do me a favor and look into what kinds of private insurance would cover your cancer treatment. It might be too much to set up a gofundme or other money raising venture for $80,000... but I bet we could raise the money for at least a couple of years worth of good insurance coverage. We all know people. We can make a page and all advertise... I bet we can get you covered for the time it takes to put your cancer in remission. (Pm me! I'll send you all my contact info and let talk)

Even if you had to pay $1000 a month for insurance-- that's only $24,000 to raise for two years. People have been able to raise that amount.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, MrsGrizzley! Be sure to let us know about any crowdfunding you get going. I think Luna's idea of crowdfunding the insurance coverage sounds like a good idea and whatever you decide, I'd like to help in concrete ways as well.

MrsGrizzley wrote:

I will try to look up other resources at some point.  Hell, I was *already* overwhelmed *before* this happened, so it hasn't been easy to get any sort of traction, particularly since I'm already pre-programmed to curl up and let other people do what they want because my choices or preferences mean nothing.  It's a long-term issue that I'm trying to work on.

And that's exactly why it's important to have someone who's a little detached to be able to talk to, and if they are familiar with cancer issues and what's out there in resources, so much the better.

One of the hardest things for me was the expectations of how I was supposed to feel and what I was supposed to do, especially from those closest to me. I remember people telling me to research my diagnoses, but I was so overwhelmed. Then I felt like I was failing because I wasn't doing all I could somehow.

That's why I just wanted to say that if someone offers you a life-line of someone to discuss what you are going through, grab it. Don't delay treatment because you don't think you can afford it - there may be someone who can help you through it.

Disability seems to be dangling way out of my husband's reach.

Regarding Antsister, there always seems to be one relative in denial about a terminal diagnosis. Makes it rough on everyone, even thogh they don't realize.

MrsGrizzley, I wish you all the best, faith, courage and strength! Please keep fighting!
My father is a cancer survivor (for ten years now), he also had a Lymphoma on his neck and he also battles against depression/burn out for years now. So please feel hugged in sympathy.

Welcome back MrsGrizzley. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I will pray.

I just want to say I love halfelven, I read those stories years ago and they're great.

Awwwww!!! How sweet! I'm still intending to finish the Original Quest at some point. I've just been in a horrible way for a long time and it's not easy to get the writing flowing again.

I *need* to sit down and actually figure out what happens and what doesn't happen for the rest of the series and how things are liable to change what with Voll and Vaya's wolfling fawn being factors in unfolding events. It makes the events of Siege at Blue Mountain MUUUUCH more complicated, for certain. Kings of the Broken Wheel would still be mostly intact, unless Rayek decides to suddenly NOT be a putz (which I doubt), but part of the fun of the series is watching how the beating of a butterfly's wings have a bigger and bigger impact.

I've got too many stories inside me that I need to write. I'm not ready to give up yet. I just need treatment.

Tell your stories, Griizz. Do what ives you joy. *hugs*

Just go for it and write where your heart leads you.