Things you wouldn't dare say out loud

I'm so very sorry to all of you. A few years ago when our company was doing great - I was one of the first people you spoke to when you applied for the job. It was a nightmare going through so many resumes but we built one of hell of a team! I find myself wandering the nearly empty building now thinking about those days of good and plenty.

I know life is full of risks, but I sold you on our company because back then, it was a great place to work. It turned my life around...leaving my home state without a car and only $100 left to my name I took off into the unknown and made a great life for myself. It sure beat being broke, injured and destitute. All of the people I've met...getting to know you, your children and even watching you welcome new cublings into the world...it has been a pure joy.

Especially those of you who came out of state to work for us - I am sorry we let you down. I know I've told you all this in person many times...and I know the idiots in charge don't care, but I do!

Almost 20 years ago the last class I took for my degree was on management. And I remember what those management consultants told us on day one - the two golden rules of management never to forget:

1) Hire good people.
2) Pay them well.

Well things started out that way...I can't fault our company for that. But it seems they have forgotten this over time. I am so glad that most of you have moved on to better jobs and happier lives - I look forward to joining you very soon.

To the big, quiet. middle-aged Russian maintenance man:  Thank you for giving me a hug when I asked for one.  Sisterhood is a foreign concept here.

Fuck off! Seriously, you're not wanted here! Just go home to your mummies and daddies, and ask yourself if this is really what you want with your lives.

@Ember: I read mummies and thought of the ones you see in Egypt, then I read Daddies and I was really confused to what to make out of this

LOL!!!

Miss Gillespie wrote:

@Ember: I read mummies and thought of the ones you see in Egypt, then I read Daddies and I was really confused to what to make out of this

Yeah... and I can't grammar. I meant wanted, not wanting.

Wow...was I ever wrong about you...scratch that...was I ever RIGHT! There were things about your lifestyle that concerned me and I sensed that you were not someone I should ever want to date. It took time for me to finally take that next step, nearly 2 years and being involved with someone else and then recovering from the aftermath of my ex and her issues with mental illness...losing her, our mutual friends and the friendship of her mother hit me especially hard.

It wasn't easy putting myself back out there...but you had such kind eyes...and always seemed to be watching me. We had many conversations and got to know each other but I just wasn't ready to get to know you more intimately. Then one day, I found that I was finally ready.

I had reservations but I told myself to take a risk...I had to tell you that I was interested in you in a romantic way and I was happy to hear that you felt the same way. The emails...the texts...phone calls and the expressive nature of our thoughts and feelings while I was away on vacation really felt wonderful...like maybe, just maybe, this could go somewhere. And INFJ (me) and an ENFP...oh yes...there were a few sparks...

But OMG, honey, you are a selfish, shallow and an all around nastybad person!

Everything...everything that I sensed about you in my deepest fears was true. I knew you were too young...too beautiful...but you seemed so kind and genuine at first.

I appreciated your open frankness and honesty...but...wow. Sitting there looking at the water last night with my arm you...it was wonderful to feel that kind of intimacy with someone again. But you were too much in your head...so indecisive...and so dishonest about your true intent towards me.

Kissing you was nice physically...but emotionally...you were far away. So very far away. You've had a life of privilege and parties...mine has been one of overcoming adversity, abuse, strife and the loss of people very dear to me. It has granted me compassion, empathy and the beginnings of wisdom.

You have no roots...no real plan...and seem to place your worth on your youth and attractiveness. So much like my ex...hmm...do I sense a pattern...one I must learn to avoid in the future...

Perhaps part of it was real...part of you seemed genuine...but to tease and toy with someone like that...just...wow. So much like a woman I dated a few years ago...hot and cold...someone with too many options who thrives on using their feminine power to control and manipulate others.

Ain't nobody got time for that!  

Your shallowness may be your downfall, one day. I do hope that you mature and grow up eventually...because at 31...your youth will be over soon. Eventually all of those men will fail to notice you and there are so many more qualities other than physical appearance that are important to most people. Because right now, you have about as much depth as a piece of paper.

And I think by the time (if ever) you wake up and realize that there was some kind of connection between us worth exploring further...I will be long gone.

Shade and sweet water...my beautiful Leetah...

You cannot see me, but I am smiling and laughing, but I take little pleasure in it. You said you were wise and mature, but you are not. You also seemed to think you were some kind of seductress...really?

Winnowill would laugh at you...long and loud...for days on end. Even Cutter would join her, because he would know better.

Let me tell you honey, I learned how to deal with women like you many years ago, when you were still a child. And they were younger and much better at their game than you are or ever will be. I learned to become friends with them...because once their charms failed, some of them turned out to be decent people who were used to men of a different sort. They learned that they had to earn my respect by getting to know me instead of rolling in the furs. And many times, a beautiful friendship blossomed.

I called you out on your strange need to control everything...but there was just denial after more denial. I said all I needed to and now it's done. You even tried to control when you wanted to talk to me...everything on your strange little schedules...but did you realize what you were really doing?

Your texts go unanswered. I have your emails filtered into a folder and they remain unread. And you just tried to call me but I didn't notice nor did I even care...and your voicemail will go in the abyss as well. Because simply put, you are not worth my time and when I revealed a little of my inner self to you...you attempted to take advantage of that. That told me more about you than you will ever know about me.

I had to stop and inwardly thank some of the very horrible women I have loved in the past. I had to thank them for what I learned from the experience...and to realize that I need to change and grow so that I can meet more healthy and compatible mates in the future. My life has taken many dizzying twists and turns, but it has made weak at times, but strong at others. I had a moment of weakness with you...my own desires blinded me...but just for a moment.

Bearclaw once said that pain means you are alive. And he was right.

Life is so short, my dear. I saw the struggle within you...the light and the shadow. Part of you wants something real...but you are not there yet. The shadow is revealed in the light of the moon...the unhealthy part of ourselves that wants rewards without working for then.

This is how I see you now. My desire to see the good in everyone blinded me at first. But my eyes are open now.

I will not dance with your shadow. I have my own and it is a full time job not to let it run my life as it has from time to time.

Everyday we wake up we have the opportunity to take a different path. The road less traveled, that which will make us a better person.

Enjoy your trip down the easy road. I will not pave it with gold for you.

Mom? Dad?

Newsflash: My relationship with you should not feel like an abusive one. I should not have to constantly try to please you and keep you from exploding. Yes, I understand the two of you are tired all the time due to having a puppy. But I'm f--kin' tired too because of MY puppy. Y'know, the one you really hoped I'd get when my cat had to be put down? The one you hoped would be my emotional support animal so I wouldn't be lost and alone like I was when my precious Dachshund Simon died nearly ten years ago? The one I wasn’t allowed to look for on my own time because you were so damn worried about me and somehow COMPLETELY missed that I wanted to control the search, even though I could’ve sworn I made that clear? You were all gung-ho to help me out with raising my Donnie boy when we all thought it would be a li'l easier.

But now? Now I'm afraid to ask too much of ANYTHING from you two. Now I'm trapped in complete boredom because so much of my time has to go to my Donnie. I can't watch my TV shows because they're on hiatus; I can't spend too much time on my computer because I have to go to bed when Donnie does, which STILL doesn't get me enough sleep because some part of me is constantly listening for him in case he needs me. I can’t write, I can’t draw, I can’t read. I gave up nearly all my time with my internet friends so I can help watch the puppies when they play while you two try to zone out in front of your f--kin’ boring, trashy, ear-hurting shows and movies. All I do now is work, eat, sleep, take Donnie to his obedience classes, try to get a walk once in a while, sometimes escape to the comic shop’s twice-monthly board game nights, and try to get the puppies playing so they’ll sleep at night. THAT’S IT.

And for gods’ sakes, PUPPIES BARK WHEN THEY PLAY. I CAN’T KEEP THEM QUIET ALL THE TIME, SO JUST DEAL WITH IT! Don’t make me feel as though I have to isolate myself and Donnie just so you can relax! And for f--k’s sake, don’t make me feel as though I CAN’T TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING WITHOUT MY THERAPIST MEDIATING! I feel as though asking you to watch Donnie for me while I go to a three-day convention in September is gonna be too much, but I can't back out now.

[tiredly flips you both off with both hands] F--k you, Mom and Dad. Just.... f--k you.

If you were worth going to prison for, I would have killed you. Seriously. But you're not, so count yourself lucky...

I had to give up my cats. After 12 years of trying to form a relationship, and trying to get used to them being around. The house move was the final drop. I failed them. I cannot have anybody around me, not even a cat. I will die alone.

*wants to hug and hold Elwing* ... virtually it's not too close I guess ...

for Elwing

I wish I could just die so my mentor could have my kidneys. But I have nieces and a nephew, and a baby puppy dog, and friends and family who'd miss me.

I hate having depression.

*pulls Multi-Facets in the hug*

[group hug for Elwing and Embala and everyone else who wants a huge]

Awww... *joins the group hug cause I can't help myself* lots of love for Elwing and Multi-Facets! Hope you both stop hurting.

thanks for the group hug guys

Yes, thank you, everyone.

Aww!    *joins group hug and lights scented candles for everyone*

Joining the group hug.

Your kindness and forgiveness has truly touched me....having a heart such as yours is so very rare in this world. I made such a stupid mistake that I thought our new budding relationship would be over before it had started...but with grace and sweetness you accepted my apology and set my mind at ease.

Something in those beautiful blue eyes called out to me the first day I met you...and to learn you were feeling the same way has been a true blessing in my life.

Although this little corner of the internet has been very therapeutic in getting these rambling thoughts out of my head...I know I have and will continue to say these words out loud to you because you deserve to hear them. Rushing to work after leaving your house this morning made me feel young again...and I think my days of being lonely are about to come to an end.  

Seriously, self get your act together!
He's just one guy, you were "semi-colleagues" for several months before you mind started going all wonky. Talking here and there doesn't mean anything, you talk with the other guys as well...

Guess it's a good thing I'm stopping soon, so I'll be able to move on and forget. Then again; there's this other guy who's kinda stuck at the back of my mind despite the fact that I haven't seen him for years.
I'm not doing the whole Relationships Thing, yet it seems like there's some part of my mind that just can't seem to get it!

I have started to remember something. Something that I don't understand, and that I want to understand, but what that might open frightens me.

Im afraid you are dead, my friend. Or ... in a state that's almost worse than death, unable to to give a life sign. I'm aware that the chance to restore contact is minimal.

I still hope that contact broke due to other reasons - real life issues, changing interests and priorities, just ... bad luck. I hope that you are still aound on this world of one moon, struggling maybe but goin on.

I keep sending you good wishes and thoughts, knowing that you'll hardly ever notice. I keep thinking that they might reach you nevertheless, like a faded sending - unaware of, unconciously ... but still encouraging and helpful. And if it is too late for you it shall bring your cublings a smile, a moment of joy and luck.

I miss you ... be well and in peace wherever you are. *hugs*